I have wondered about my intense libido for years. High testosterone? Drug of choice? Possession? It’s nuclear. And is this dom finally my sexual match? Libido for libido, and emotionally as well?
I don’t think I have ever been made to feel so soothed and satisfied as I was tonight. Made horny, made orgasmic, then soothed by an hour of anal stimulation under his command (vibrator with attachment). Connected, contented. Seduced…someone else taking the initiative for a change…relief.
Pressure on some vulnerabilities, no pressure in others…coddled in some insecurities, told to gut up in others…just right. Reciprocated and accepted in certain appropriate moments.
I still don’t get how this unlikely thing I thought would be very temporary has lasted this long. We have not been exclusive. I have had a few dates and flings, a few doubts too. He has been on again, off again with someone he has known for five years. I almost wish he would just chuck me and choose her so we don’t have to deal with the separation…it’s an investment you know? And it is hard.
We have both been active with others online, though that is on hold for me right now. He does real-life kink, but that is on hold for him right now.
He doesn’t know that I know about her. But I do. He had so much stuff in plain sight on the internet…it wasn’t rocket science. And yes I vetted him on the internet. Hell yes. Publicly available, no hacking involved. No red flags. His mentioning of conflicts, another romantic life, hadn’t been specific, but it was accurate. I know what is going on and am proud that the details of his secret do not make me sad or envious. He had a stalker before, in the flesh, and has kept vague about a lot of his life, but you know what? I don’t blame him. He was protecting her. I have been vague to him about choice important fucking things too and wouldn’t change that. Gradually we release more to each other. But I didn’t want to get involved with someone whose life didn’t match up with what he was telling me, a pedophile or some shit.
He seeks out my info every once in a while. I am practically ungooglable tho. Not by full name like he is. But he did make anonymous purchases from my website that he was evasive about, and found me on a messenging service he didn’t know I had heehee.
I have been open with my doubts about making him happy, about me being happy. He has been open with me as well. It is so much fun to do our Skype thing, but the wanting is hard, when you are not finding anyone else around who meets your needs…the secrecy is good too…
I am learning more about orgasm control techniques in order find obedience and discipline at this distance. Me practicing karezza seems to be a good mindset for what he and I want. ‘Karezza is for two people blah blah blah’ he ain’t my fucking boyfriend so I don’t care. He is my lover, and this is the type of sex I want, this submission. It is hot, and the payoff is amazing, physically and emotionally.
I came 7 times tonight. The first three were war drums, and the last four were long slow licks of flame inside. I had to beg him for permission to start coming, and for mercy to stop coming.
We can talk about a lot of things other than sex, which helps the sex…gives it many footholds. We put each other at ease with laughs, before during and after. He is stressed about everything in his hectic life but sex, while I am stressed out about the sex, about being a good girl, and the humor helps both issues.
his sense of humor is sexy…
And he is so fucking sexy in general…
So worth the risk.