Hello

The holidays were nuts and much has happened. Particular to this blog, i had to leave my dom. I fell in love. We had bith tried to leave it behind a few times. I finally figured we had to do it live, commit to quitting, together simultaneously. It seems to have taken. I wish more than the best for him and will miss him terribly. He was a good friend as well.

–btw, i admitted the online stalking/vetting to him once I could no longer ignore my feeling, and guiltily. Expected to never hear from him again. He apologized up and down for hiding so much about his life, hiding the other relationship. Hiding his side lifestyle from his girl. And he expected not to hear from me again. And we forgave each other and spoke for a few days after that. Then we both agreed it wasn’t fair to me or healthy for him…if you can die of lying, that is what was about to happen to him. He has to go deal with his life.

I have come up with a new plan with my subs…dedicated weeks, continuous training and then weeks of tasks. A week off will be instructed as well…for self-discipline, renewed commitment, or freedom. A recurring test.

We will see if that works better…

My roommates will be in town the end of this week…will have to be sneaky! 😉

Hope you are all having a great new year.

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funny peculiar or funny ha-ha?

I have wondered about my intense libido for years. High testosterone? Drug of choice? Possession? It’s nuclear. And is this dom finally my sexual match? Libido for libido, and emotionally as well?

I don’t think I have ever been made to feel so soothed and satisfied as I was tonight. Made horny, made orgasmic, then soothed by an hour of anal stimulation under his command (vibrator with attachment). Connected, contented. Seduced…someone else taking the initiative for a change…relief.

Pressure on some vulnerabilities, no pressure in others…coddled in some insecurities, told to gut up in others…just right. Reciprocated and accepted in certain appropriate moments.

I still don’t get how this unlikely thing I thought would be very temporary has lasted this long. We have not been exclusive. I have had a few dates and flings, a few doubts too. He has been on again, off again with someone he has known for five years. I almost wish he would just chuck me and choose her so we don’t have to deal with the separation…it’s an investment you know? And it is hard.

We have both been active with others online, though that is on hold for me right now. He does real-life kink, but that is on hold for him right now.

He doesn’t know that I know about her. But I do. He had so much stuff in plain sight on the internet…it wasn’t rocket science. And yes I vetted him on the internet. Hell yes. Publicly available, no hacking involved. No red flags. His mentioning of conflicts, another romantic life, hadn’t been specific, but it was accurate. I know what is going on and am proud that the details of his secret do not make me sad or envious. He had a stalker before, in the flesh, and has kept vague about a lot of his life, but you know what? I don’t blame him. He was protecting her. I have been vague to him about choice important fucking things too and wouldn’t change that. Gradually we release more to each other. But I didn’t want to get involved with someone whose life didn’t match up with what he was telling me, a pedophile or some shit.

He seeks out my info every once in a while. I am practically ungooglable tho. Not by full name like he is. But he did make anonymous purchases from my website that he was evasive about, and found me on a messenging service he didn’t know I had heehee.

I have been open with my doubts about making him happy, about me being happy. He has been open with me as well. It is so much fun to do our Skype thing, but the wanting is hard, when you are not finding anyone else around who meets your needs…the secrecy is good too…

I am learning more about orgasm control techniques in order find obedience and discipline at this distance. Me practicing karezza seems to be a good mindset for what he and I want. ‘Karezza is for two people blah blah blah’ he ain’t my fucking boyfriend so I don’t care. He is my lover, and this is the type of sex I want, this submission. It is hot, and the payoff is amazing, physically and emotionally.

I came 7 times tonight. The first three were war drums, and the last four were long slow licks of flame inside. I had to beg him for permission to start coming, and for mercy to stop coming.

We can talk about a lot of things other than sex, which helps the sex…gives it many footholds. We put each other at ease with laughs, before during and after. He is stressed about everything in his hectic life but sex, while I am stressed out about the sex, about being a good girl, and the humor helps both issues.

his sense of humor is sexy…
And he is so fucking sexy in general…
So worth the risk.

Good girl.

Ok my work stress that incited my rage of the previous post has passed. The stress it has caused led to some rash decisions and behavior that i am trying to cope with now. Over-spending, neglect of my health (nice E.R. visit!), stalls in my artistic pursuits, abandoning my submissives, and abandoning my role as a submissive…though my dominant is not nearly so weak as to give up on me. A few days after I wrote my “I give up!” missive to him about my stress and incompetence and how he was better off without me, he sent a calm message saying, “In case you were wondering, I am giving you your space.” And a follow up saying, “I am giving you your space, how are you enjoying it?” Fah! Stop being kind, I thought. I barely know what to do with it. But I am slowly trying to figure it out. He said in the beginning, he wouldn’t abandon me. I am growing to believe it against all odds.

Nevertheless it is hard recovering from an altogether a screeching halt in the me of me, paralyzed by being appalled at some things out of my control. I lost my way. But I felt I couldn’t give up or lash out so I practiced non-attachment, forgiveness, loving kindness, and came through the work issues and am now able to function on a new path. A wise mind path. But I am on dangerous ground financially and dark times are ahead for a while. I am glad I was able to put the brakes on and start doing damage control and pennance in that area. I have a little choreboard working in my mind to fix my health issues as well, and have slowly crept back into my writing. My visual digital art and community? That will take more time, less hurt. But overall I am peeking above ground after my very own bomb has gone off and I see hope.

I am about to go make serious apologies to my submissives. I feel wretched. I just sank like a stone away from them. I was so emotionally muddled that i just checked out. How selfish! I got cought up in my own struggle. Everything seemed so demanding…work time, sub time, dom time. I died a little death.

In my surface life…non-online above-sub emotional life…I was dealing with a grave lonliness spurned by this work-related crisis…as in, oh god, why did I move away from everything I know and love to take this fuckhole job? I felt the need to connect and distract and responded to some men who were interested in me…only to run into the unsatisfying drama that made me run to the submissive lifestyle in the first place…is it worth the bullshit of a relay-tionship to develop the sexual relationship I want? I really hate being a girlfriend. I barely like going to the movies with other people. And I am not alone. My co-workers are becoming friends and my neighbors are worthwhile, caring people. Do I really need to wade through this married guy, this guy who drinks too much, and this angry guy, and whoever else is out there? And online, do I really have to deal with the manipulative guy and the too-sweet guy when what I want is in my dom? But shit, I am falling in love with my dom and I reallllly don’t want that either. A stone around my throat holding my head so I could only see him! Fuck that with a lit torch.

It helped to just explain to him I was struggling, and that I didn’t want the feelings I had for him. It helped to have him reach out to me and give me time. It helped for him to express soon after that he was having to resist giving me orders…it made me feel desired, respected, and submissive. And he gave me room to try out some ways to build up my strength on my own…chiefly, orgasm control, which to me is the ultimate mental strength. I want to bite my lips off to get that orgasm. But as I told him, hearing “good girl” feels even better.

But am I truly submissive enough, or just kidding myself? If I can’t get dominated when I want all the time, if I can’t escape or transmute my feelings for him all the time, will I be able to cope? My lust and selfishness is such I don’t know.

Why don’t my feelings scare him away?

I don’t know what I am going to do about developing the polyamourous lifestyle he and I want. I don’t know if I could possibly ever get lucky enough to pull in counterparts that click with me like he clicked with me. I am terrified that in this smaller community it could destroy or disrupt my career as well. And job time constricts how much I can just get out and test the waters. I don’t have those answers right now. I don’t have that confidence right now. And I have a few other priorities anyway.

The reserve.

Just finished with an online sub. He is so reserved! I hope to bring out his passion. He is only 20. It is hard to relate because I was always passionate and expressive even as a preteen with my poor abused stuffed animals as play partners. But knowing how open and natural sex should be gives me compassion with a person so tightly wound. I hope to get him further in touch with his body, and let him feel safe enough to express himself a bit more.

At the end I got a little something out of him. He came, and it was the least amount of come I have ever seen. I almost hope he is lying about not having cum since two weeks ago–otherwise even his balls have a stick up their asses. I said to him, “Even your cum is reserved.” He giggled. So maybe laughter is the answer.

Only someone strong and resistant brings out my dominance. With someone like this, young, inexperienced, mild-mannered…I feel a duty to more of a guide. I still am very strict with making sure he follows through on orders, protociols, and limits. Maybe more strict than usual, so i don’t fuck it up for the next person. But when I get a strong feeling that this person is barely in touch with what makes them tick…it is an enticing experiment for me to see if I can bring out their wild side in a mutually beneficial way. I hope it builds trust and makes him go further for me in the end. And ultimately, i hope it makes sex better for him.

One pleasant hour of mentally stimulating sexual stimulation. Now to come, shower and get back to work!

My apologies, Any Reader

ok I have vented (see below).

Things were going well again, with four or five days in September when my Dom and I were both free– a hot time each time. I have now become one of those girls who has spanked herself with a flyswatter and then penetrated myself with the cold wire handle. Invigorating! But the sessions were barely long enough (for me!). And now my job has become even more demanding.

The irony… multiple avenues to pursue: meeting people is rather easy here and dating is easy…also much kinky activity, even right down at the Barnes-n-Noble where a kink group munches weekly…and multiple willing Skype subs that I have started to mesh well with…but barely any fucking time or energy.

I have to regroup, degausse, reassess. My brain feels pureed and my body feels distant. Masturbation is like trying to rescue a much-loved dog from the bottom of a well…I am desperate to succeed but it comes up painfully slow…and the disconnect with my body is just as distant and awkward. And when I don’t have regular contact with my Dom, my sexual energy ebbs badly. The feelings of neglect, jealousy, and abandonment try to edge in, regardless of his written reassurances. I need that Skype time so badly, but I have to just grit it out. Grit it out all round.

Tomorrow I have some more damn work to do. But it will be gratifying when it is done. And I have one session with a sub scheduled before I go into the office. Just one of many that I would like to have. We’ll see how the balance shifts in the coming weekends, in time and energy.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!

This is the letter I wish I could write my Dom, my Sahib, my King:
I need you so badly that I am questioning my entire sexuality. In and out of the compartment wondering if I am… going to survive being this way… or if it will always feel like a boulder chained to my neck. I have a new vibrator. A Wahl. The power exceeds the Hitachi. The sensation drives deeply into the body…through the entire pelvic girdle…I fear incontinence everytime I use it…and the orgasm makes me feel like I am being cracked in half longways. And nevertheless, I would throw it into the ocean in trade for a few minutes bending over for you… much more to be before you, obeying you. And what is the point of feeling like that?

What is the point of feeling orgasm with someone as opposed to alone? why can’t I be satisfied alone? Now I have a job that is a hell of duties that I love to fulfill [a real job, not being a sub…speaking of actual employment here]…and whatever sexual needs I have, no matter how deep my need to hear you say ‘good girl’ to me and to please you, or to hear a man beg me to punish him, I may not be able to indulge in either enough to make all parties happy. And when I finally I do…who will be waiting for me?

Am I lonely or just horny lol ? I can’t tell anymore. I get phone numbers relatively often here…and no matter how interesting they are I am bitter that they are not you. I spent all last weekend with a guy who texted me that he wants to make love to me in the stars. We talked and laughed and cooked food and ate at restaurants for three days. He fussed over me and bought me things. And all I could think was how that deep core of me that needs to be controlled by someone was not responding to him like it responds to you. And it makes me angry. Because I feel desperate for you. And I wonder if you are bored with me, uninterested, moved on, finished…or just busy…or worst of all, happy to imagine me squirming like I am.

Why don’t I want to fuck anyone else?

And dammit do you know even that weekend with that guy, I was writing reports on a laptop while he just hung out and waited a lot of the time? What have I gotten into with this job?

I am so fucking drained that as much as I want to, I bet I couldn’t perform right now. Or maybe I would and then just have a heart attack and my old ass would just die. I have everything I want, but with some assembly required, and it’s Christmas morning 6 seconds before my sexuality and my boss come racing down the stairs. How will these pieces fit together? Will I ever get to please you again?

Grrrrr

New job and new city adjustments have me tense.

I just want to have my wrists bound to my neck and get screwed hard, is that too much to ask? LOL.

My mind is just a bathroom wall, but in a bathroom that’s invitation only.

It’s my birthday. I wonder…and fear…my libido ever tapering. But then I wonder if it would bring peace? I wonder if I can get in my first-time gang band before it goes? LOL.

No, seriously, can you hook that up?

LOL.

There is a community of kinksters here in my new city and they are open and welcoming so far. So there is fun to be had…if I ever get time! Soon.

Other Spaces

So it has been a while! I am in Alaska now. From Chicago.

This move…any move…takes a lot out of us all. I hate moving so much that I’ve had anxiety dreams about moving…since the move has been complete! And I will move again at the end of the month, and again six months after that. Ugh. But I won’t be moving furniture, and hopefully that last move will be my Forever Home… a place to relax and Play.

My Dom handled whatever he had going on and is active again. I felt for the first time that I could wait and not complain about being neglected simply based on someone’s promise to me… and I was not disappointed. Things have been intense, hot, vaginal, anal, visual, and auditory. Dealing with a fickle computer network is incredibly annoying sometimes, but we laugh thru it…with gritted teeth!

I feel like I don’t deserve the life I have. I often sabotage things when I feel this way. Since I was little… I remember rejecting a hug from a girl at nursery school because I couldn’t understand why on earth she’d want to hug me. And I can come up with a million reasons why I shouldn’t have this great job in this great place, or this online relationship that is going better than any odds would favor. Six months now, and he maintains an even keel and a flexibility that is admirable. A consistent level of expectation, of questioning for consent, of caring, and I can’t smell any bullshit around it but my own. My fear and anxiety that I have to fight through in order to stay honest, uninhibited, and disciplined.

Next month I will be forty…I have sniffed out my fair share of crap. And my fair share of poor sexual partners. My Dom once said he doesn’t set out with pre-conceived notions of how a session has to go… he goes with the flow and directs the flow as he goes, he said (he gets a kick out of being cheesy and silly… he dumps some absurd puns at times!). That lack of a strict notion for a session is very comforting. Once things are rolling along, he definitley sets the rules. It has resulted in some amazing sensations… including my first time masturbating with deep double penetration… never knew it would feel so good. I have masturbated with an ass plug in, a soft thin silicone one. But never used one hand to manipulate both dildoes… ecstacy. With him listening to me, with his roommate unexpectedly coming home early so that we might be overheard or barged in on… exciting and fun and free.

I will catch you all up on the other sessions we have had and other things of note soon, Any Reader. Hope you are doing well.

Sub-space

I have been thinking about the subject of this post for a while. What sub-space was like. It has only happened twice, with the first time far stronger than the second…but so intense and unexpected that I am not exactly sure what to say.

I know I had been in a great deal of pain, subjugation and humiliation– more like scourging–turned around by a great deal of pleasure at the end.

I have the luck of having had this experience on Skype… so I went back and looked at the conversation.

Stop, wait, what? Skype. Being a sub sort of fell into my lap while looking for some one to have a hot chat with… online was what I was looking for, and I got online-plus. I have talked about it with my Dom a little, about his side and my side and being online in a drama-free series of conversations. Summation:

My Dom and I both prefer text instead if audio, to project the sides of our personalities that suit the dynamic. We have seen each other on camera, tho he is definitely a MCFN guy. He’s hot, so I don’t care. For him, he loves online play, and admits he can project a lot more mysterious dark chilling control online than he might otherwise. I love online play, had fun with it prior in a relationship, and my Dom’s particular adroit way of handling it gets me in the right mood. The ability to think about what I will say, then type, lets me respond like the sub I want to be. I communicate better on the screen.

And the transcript gives me great fodder for getting off on my own later.

So anyway, I looked at the conversation. It very nearly got me back in subspace then. It was the craziest thing… sort of like when I took muscle relaxers for my back, or innocently smoked a bidi in Kuwait… I was not swimming above the water line. Endorphins from pain combined with endorphins from pleasure? Freedom from self-consciousness? I am an extremely sensitive person, but others say they have been to the same space, so there must be some combination of pushed buttons that did it….

It didn’t happen right after squirting…four times…the last three ordered… and I would have to read the damn thing to see if I orgasmed or not, and I don’t feel like researching right now. I just know that a little internal sonic boom hit from the crown of my head through my ears into my chest… like when that coin in Pirates hit the water. I went down down down… and I typed to Sahib, wow, I feel weird, is this sub-space? Or something like that. And I described it to him. I was really blissed out and at total peace. Then I came up less than an hour later. I felt it go, and typed it. Another advantage to having a transcript.

My tone was less cheeky during my time under, but that was mostly the scourging. I remember that it was discipline for being anxious while I didn’t hear from him and literally writing him off–
‘Fuck it, I can take a hint.’ Not a great idea. I think the scourging lasted about two and a half hours… I had to wait an hour with nipple clamps on just waiting for him to get back online. I felt the pain into my lymph nodes. Then verbal chastisement. Then a lot of pleasure by command. Explosive.

Maybe it was being all over the map, that rollercoaster ride. I don’t know.

I am in the middle of moving and taking a new job so my postings will likely be erratic. Take care, Any Reader.